Recently the cult classic Ghostbusters was on TV and in it the character of Louis Tully played by Rick Moranis bumbles around saying “I am Vinz, Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer. Volguus Zildrohar, Lord of the Sebouillia. Are you the Gatekeeper?” While there are no ghastly ghosts to bust in the lifestyle, there is gatekeeping within BDSM, and not all of it is for the best. So in this episode, the conversation will flow around how the lifestyle is unfortunately guarded as well as how to challenge this or, keeping the Ghostbusters reference going, how to become your own Keymaster on the journey in D/S.

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Transcript:
[Music] hello there and welcome to this episode
of chatting with the lightkeeper I’m
Edward and the other night I had an
interesting experience uh I have
recently cut the cord so to speak and
and by cutting the chord meaning I have
ditched actually having um internet and
TV provided by a cable company I am
completely wireless when it comes to my
internet and now um when it comes to you
know the occasional times that I watch
TV it’s all it’s all Wireless and you
know through you know Smart TV and apps
and it’s it’s actually wonderful um
because there is always something that I
can find to watch when I decide I want
to just more or less veg out in front of
the TV which is a rarity
but the other night I was having bit of
a struggle sleeping so you know I
decided to flip on the idiot box and and
see what choices were there and somehow
one of the things I stumbled upon was
the old movie
Ghostbusters and in Ghostbusters uh Rick
Moranis if you don’t know him he’s was I
guess fairly popular comedian comedic
actor in the in the 80s I would I would
say it was the 80s um I knew him best
for um being I can’t remember whether he
was Bob or Doug McKenzie of the McKenzie
brothers from uh Second City TV um which
is kind of I always found it funny
because growing up I lived very near
Canada and Rick Moranis is Canadian
along with Dave Thomas who was his um
partner in the uh the McKenzie brother
skits
forv and so they poked a little fun and
Canadians and how Americans I think view
Canadians and it always made me laugh
because being so close to Canada and
actually probably consuming more
Canadian media than American Media uh
just simply because of location anyway
in the movie Ghostbusters he’s playing
um I can’t even remember the character
is other than it’s you know kind of the
bumbling idiot type character which he
seems to be
very gifted at or typ cast as I’m not
sure which is which way is more accurate
but somehow he falls under the spell of
one of the I don’t know ghost or ghouls
or goblins whatever the um spirit in
Ghostbusters is and he is wandering
around asking and I think he was looking
for the key master because he was the
gatekeeper or he was the key master
looking for or the gatekeeper anyways
he’s part of this like quest to find a
gatekeeper which kind of got me thinking
about gatekeeping and how we gatekeep in
the lifestyle and not all gatekeeping
which you know is is a bad thing because
sometimes in the lifestyle it is good to
have some Gatekeepers and gatekeeping
happening in the lifestyle especially
when it comes to
um maybe requiring some sort of
certification in a group um to be able
to take part in you know certain types
of activities or or or play or needing
to
demonstrate that you have the skill
level in order to safely do whatever it
is um when it comes to Lifestyle play or
even sort of verifying your experience
level once again to to participate in
certain things because as we all know
you know it the lifestyle can some of
the play can be dangerous especially if
somebody doesn’t know what they’re doing
and they might be trying to fake it in
order to make it so a little bit of
gatekeeping in that way is something
that keeps us safe and we also kind of
have to be our own Gatekeepers by who we
allow in and who we Cho choose to engage
in things with for our own our own
safety and it doesn’t matter Your Role
whether you’re submissive or dominant or
a switch you know we all need to keep
ourselves safe so in a way gatekeeping
isn’t necessarily A Bad Thing even
though a lot of times when you hear oh
they’re you know that person’s a
gatekeeper or they’re
gatekeeping and it can be seen as a
negative connotation and and sometimes
there is there is some bad gatekeeping
that happens in the lifestyle other
times gatekeeping happens on
intentionally somebody maybe shares a
thought and somebody overreacts not that
that would ever happen on you know any
type of social media where there’s an
overreaction to a post or a comment that
I mean that just rarely happens right
I’ll kiding aside though it does happen
and and things get you know people get
their noses out of whack and they assume
things they shouldn’t assume from well
we all know how that works but one of
the
biggest I
guess places where we gatekeep is when
how we Define who is or is not part of
the
lifestyle there are so many people who
believe that um if you are in or around
the lifestyle but you are not not
seeking a
fullon lifestyle
relationship that
somehow you’re not really in the
lifestyle maybe you just like the kinky
Sachs or you enjoy little bits here and
there but it is not a pillar of a
relationship or a relationship you’re
seeking you just like a little little
fun in games and so they will try and
discount you or
use their their U gatekeeping mentality
to try and keep you out of the lifestyle
and that is that so not the case really
anybody can can be here and and be
welcomed here
so when it comes to the lifestyle I know
it sounds crazy but we really need to
kind of start with what exactly is BDSM
I mean how how do we we Define it and of
course it’s simple it’s inacurate them
and there’s bondage which yes that’s
either tying somebody up being tied up
or maybe you enjoy you know sometimes
you enjoy being tied up other times you
enjoy being the the person doing the
tying up and however you enjoy
it if that’s if that’s something that’s
in your wheelhouse you enjoy it welcome
to the lifestyle you’re you’re right
here you’re part of the acronym and the
next one is discipline and this one is
something that
I don’t know for some reason so many
people think discipline means
accountability which it can and it does
for many but really at its core
discipline is
about teaching your partner
to that you want them to behave in a
certain way and it’s not just dominants
who are teaching or you know getting
their submissive to behave or act or do
in a certain way or
do however that plays out it’s uh
dominance adjusting and disciplining
themselves if you will to fit with their
submissive needs it goes both ways it’s
not just the dominant laying down rules
or expectations or or guidelines how
whatever it is that that is that
structure
um you know a lifestyle relationship
doesn’t necessarily have to
have discipline as part of it many do
but it doesn’t have to be there and
another thing about
discipline and especially online you see
so many so many dominants who seem to be
fixated upon it and they have like
pre-made pre-made rules they don’t have
a submissive but when they do here’s the
50 things that the submissive will have
to do because this dominant has already
decided what structure is going to be
there and if you are new to the
lifestyle that probably sounds a little
appealing perhaps that this dominant has
the experience and knows exactly what
they want and they’ve laid it out the
problem is is what they’ve laid out is
not fitted to that partnership it’s just
a a general outline and many of the the
dominants who have done
that Overlook the fact that this should
just be a a big picture thing
they already have the structure they’re
just looking to put somebody into their
pre-made structure it’s almost like the
submissive would be cookie dough and the
rules and structure would be the cookie
cutter or the and I and I apologize I am
not a baker so the you know the little
contraption that that cuts the cookie
dough into the pre-made
shape and look face let’s face it
submissives or anybody in this world is
not is not just cookie dough that you
jam into a Contraption to force into a
shape everyone is unique everyone comes
with their own unique shape so it’s
really
really something that needs to be done
individually rather than rather than
predetermined because people are not are
not cookie dough and the other thing
about many dominants um especially in
the online world and this always is one
of those little
Telltale red flags for me that when a
dominant is obsessive on the
having punishments or
Corrections predetermined often to go
with their
predetermined list of uh rules when
they’re searching for a submissive for
example submissive breaks rule number
seven it triggers punishment number
14 it’s sort of like a computer if then
statement if this happens then this is
next and once again we don’t live in a
world that is defined by when this
happens automatically that gets
triggered it’d be nice if the world
worked in such an orderly manner where
we knew if this happened what was going
to happen next unfortunately it just
doesn’t roll that way so the discipline
side of things is something that needs
to be done in a way that that’s
individualistic just like every
relationship and every person is an
individual and unique it’s not something
that can
be pre
pre-made and ready to go just pop in the
right person it’s great to have some
ideas it’s great to have
desires but we can’t lose sight of the
fact that um everything is going to be
unique because we are all unique as
humans so there the discipline thing can
be kind of a convoluted mess but it’s
there it’s a part part of the lifestyle
but you can be in the lifestyle and not
uh not be into the whole discipline part
of it next up in the little acronym is
is
domination which is you know of course
liking to be in charge and this runs the
full gamut from maybe liking to be in
charge in just just during playtime or
perhaps you like being in charge
sometimes and other times you you don’t
like being in charge maybe you’re a
switch and maybe it’s just for play or
maybe it’s
maybe it’s serious maybe you want to be
you know in charge of the relationship
or however it best fits for you once
again it’s a wide wide gamut and we need
to not not gatekeep and say oh well you
know you have to be in charge this much
of the time or however it’s it you know
this is something once again that is not
a not a way to determine who is or who
is not a part of the lifestyle and of
course of course the opposite of
domination is submission and just like
you know on the on the D side the
submissive side once again can just be
for fun for play occasionally all the
time full-time in a relationship it can
run the gamut and it should not be a
qualifier or
disqualifier um for
things then we come to the next s and or
alternative meaning for S I guess we
could say and that would be S masochism
and I know that there are people out
there who
believe that uh that somehow pain has to
be a part of a lifestyle relationship or
that you have to enjoy giving it or
receiving it uh to be in lifestyle that
is a falsehood that’s that is definitely
not the case it can be something that
you don’t enjoy isn’t a part of anything
do and you can still be in the lifestyle
or it can be mild from you just enjoy
say a tap on the rear during during play
time to U you know fall on spankings or
other types of impact play or you know
the infliction of pain for pleasure or
receiving a pain for pleasure it can run
the full gamut or it Cann not be a not
be a part of it and speaking of that I
have a
bad is it possible to have a kinky dad
joke uh if so I have one and here we go
the masacus said to the sadus hurt me
and the sadus responded with no I I know
it’s it’s lame it’s bad but it also kind
of highlights another side of the the S
masaism thing is that not all pain is
physical sometimes people enjoy
a u bit of mental anguish inflicted on
them or they enjoy inflicting the mental
anguish so it’s important to understand
that that’s also part of part of that
it’s not just physical perhaps even
maybe just a good good mind [ __ ] and
perhaps that might be the first F bomb
I’ve said on this on this podcast but
hey I did it I broke the ice and we’ve
gotten the fbom out of the way
so it’s it’s all in
perspective another thing that gets
brought up often times as being a
qualifier if you will is that somehow
humiliation must be a part of it if you
are to be seen as in the lifestyle and
once again just like pain it is
definitely something that you do not
have to to be in and I know many of you
when I said humiliation I’m sure there’s
many of you that have said oo I no way
hard limit I’m taking a pass I that is
no I don’t get into that at all
and that is absolutely fine
but let’s talk a little bit about
humiliation real quick because it’s it’s
more than what meets the eye was that a
anybody out there if they remember the
old cartoon G Joe somewhere or
advertisement for it I think it was more
than meets the eye was that or no that’s
Transformers sorry Transformers of my
youth that was one of their slogans they
were more than meets the eye sorry shiny
thing moment there but anyways
humiliation is often
misunderstood so it’s important to not
yuck on somebody’s yum if that’s they’re
yum don’t think that they’re an evil or
bad person for it um it’s also important
that when we talk about humiliation or
humiliation play that it’s not being
done in a venilla setting where we are
imposing our kinky values system if you
will on vanilla people who are not
consenting
to see us enjoy our our Kings so how we
practice things it’s very important um
also anytime type of this humiliation
play does require a massive amount of
trust and I know you many of you are
still sitting there going no it’s this
is not for me and most of the things
that come to mind when you think of
humiliation or activities around the
lifestyle that involve fall under the
humiliation
genre are things that even I say yep no
that’s not for me but when you step back
and you kind of do a deeper dive you’re
going to find that actually things that
are
classified under humiliation can be
things that perhaps you
enjoy because I used to be a hard no
when it comes to humilation no is a hard
no absolutely not I don’t understand it
I don’t get it it’s not my jam once
again if it’s somebody else’s jam and
they’re doing it
consensually rock on enjoy it and then
suddenly I learned there’s much more to
it than the extreme things that always
came to my
mind and suddenly I’m I’m like oh I kind
of enjoy that oh yeah I do boy I like
that and oh yeah I like that that that
can be
fun so let’s go through some of the
surprising things that you might find
fun that would actually fall under this
broad
heading if you are a dominant oress re
the switch and you’re enjoying your your
play time have you ever enjoyed it where
you had to address your partner for
example as if you are submissive you had
to address your partner as Sir or ma’am
or use a title for example during play
you had to call them them daddy or you
had to call them
mommy you know using title during
play that’s actually under there how
about um choosing or perhaps being told
to wear an anal toy whether you wear it
discreetly in public or you wear it
privately in your home that actually
falls under this how about
begging in your play have you ever for
example begged your dominant to do
something or has your dominant told you
that they enjoy it when you beg them to
do this or that that falls under this
category interestingly enough blindfolds
do that was that was a huge surprise um
another amazing one is crawling maybe
you enjoy crawling to your partner
sensually or your partner enjoys seeing
you crawl to
them another one is where the dominant
for example
chooses chooses clothing you know today
I would like you to wear the blue dress
or tonight when we go out to dinner I’m
going to order for you and once again
this is one of the fun things about the
lifestyle is even though you’re going
out to dinner and it’s in public you’re
not going to be imposing your
kinky jam on the vanilla world or the
vanilla person that is waiting on your
your table but it’s almost seen as an
oldfashioned gentlemanly thing to do and
say the person that you’re with will
have this for dinner and I will have
that it’s you’re ordering for them but
you’re not doing it in a condescending
way but that also can be part of the
humiliation play
and I know we talked about discipline
earlier and this one falls under that
discipline thing but something as simple
as standing in the corner can be seen as
humiliation or having a submissive who
broke a rule right lines can be seen as
humiliation another one is the no
undergarments under clo I guess you
could say rule or
request that’s an often that’s a pretty
common form of you know hey tonight no
underwear for you when we go to the
movies or we do whatever or even at home
you know it’s just you can’t wear
anything under under you know the outfit
that I picked perhaps that also falls
under this and even something as basic
as wearing a collar can be seen as
humiliation play even though the meaning
of a collar if it is a non-play collar
is the equivalent of a of a wedding band
in the lifestyle so there’s so much more
to humiliation than
the the things that I think everyone’s
mind goes to when they hear
humiliation so it’s important to realize
that that perhaps when I said uh
humiliation is something that many
people you know enjoy and other people
immediately say no to understand there’s
a lot more to it
than just the more extreme thoughts that
probably popped right to your your mind
and why it’s kind of important to cover
all of this
stuff is because there is no easy way to
define who is or who is not part of the
lifestyle you can be very mild and be
welcomed at the lifestyle lunch table um
or you can be
very wild I guess would be the opposite
of mild uh with your your interest in
the lifestyle and also be welcome there
is
no no right or wrong answer um to who is
able to join the kinky lunch table
granted you probably won’t uh won’t be
sitting with the cool kids because our
numbers are small and you know we are
more typically tend to be more nerds
geeks and people who are in touch
mentally with ourselves then uh the cool
kids if you will hearkening back to the
years as a teenager in school and the
lunchroom
experience however there are cool kids
around at the the kinky lunch table as
well you you know can be a cool kid and
still join the kinky adult table just
when I say kid do be of a consenting
legal age um if not uh that would be
something that would be a good type of
gatekeeping to have because let’s face
it the lifestyle does involve adult
choices and
yes I am certain there are some very
mature people who are not of legal age
that could potentially handle the
lifestyle but at certain youthful ages
focus on people need to be focusing on
on enjoying life rather than pondering
Kink tastic things in my opinion plus
once again it is an adult lifestyle
making adult choices especially since
for most of us no matter where we live
many of the things that make up the
lifestyle that you may enjoy about the
lifestyle are things that could if
things go bump bring adult consequences
for example legal
consequences that yeah you need to be an
adult to be here and so that is just my
two cents there and if you disagree then
you disagree but my two cents now there
is some bad gatekeeping around the
lifestyle because people do try to and I
don’t know why but gatekeep to keep
people out of the lifestyle rather than
welcoming them in you know it’s very
common
to people to gatekeep oh you’re just
here because you like kinky sex you like
to do just this little bit of Kink
you’re into spanking but nothing else
for example and people will try to
gatekeep you out because they will say
oh well you’re not really in the
lifestyle no you just the way you
practice the lifestyle is different in
the way they practice the lifestyle and
you are still welcome here a common way
that we see this this bad gatekeeping
will be the post about what a real
dominant is I think I tatted about the
fact that I can’t be a real dominant
because I don’t have facial hair at one
point yeah just because I don’t look
like I am a cast member of Duck Dynasty
doesn’t mean I can’t be a dominant and
the same thing with submissives there
are all kinds of posts out there in the
world that’ll say true submissives do X
Y and Z well you can be a submissive and
do a b and c rather than X Y and Z it’s
all individual but we see examples of
that commonly as gatekeeping another
area where where we gatekeep
is the isms of the lifestyle I talked
about that in a podcast um doesn’t seem
like too long ago I’m not sure how how
long ago it was but it does pop to my
mind so it can’t be that long ago if
it’s popping to mind but we use
stereotypes and Prejudice prejudices to
limit access um the common one
is women are submissive men are dominant
it’s it’s a very common Prejudice out
there and we know it’s not the case but
it’s a common mistake that is often made
um and when it comes to stereotypes
there are all kinds of
stereotypes um if you don’t happen to
follow along um over on Instagram I’m
doing I do a little daily series Monday
through Friday where every little little
I guess little video is shorter than 90
seconds about something in the lifestyle
and currently working through 25
stereotypes of um of the lifestyle that
are out there and that these are fairly
common and you will bump up against
these stereotypes and if you’re not on
Instagram um that’s fine head over to
wherever you get your podcast and I know
it’s a bit of a mouthful but it’s the
daily DS presented by chatting with the
lightkeeper just type in you know the
daily DS and chatting with the
lightkeeper and you’ll you’ll find find
these little these little 90 second
little Clips all together as as a
podcast so they’re short quick and easy
but there are so many stereotypes that
unfortunately get used as is means to
gatekeep to keep people out of the
lifestyle and we should be focusing on
keeping people in the lifestyle or
bringing in more people saying hey it’s
okay to just be enjoy this little bit of
Kink come on over and learn more about
learn more about things and the other
thing that this does is it helps
reinforce the inaccurate and unfair
portrayals of the lifestyle you know
it’s
it just it’s sad that it happens but
when we gatekeep around the lifestyle we
are kind of
reinforcing a lot of the myths that
vanilla people have about us and we
shouldn’t shouldn’t be doing that just
like some of the some of the gatekeeping
is also related to uh trueway mentality
and if you’re new it sounds like I just
said true t r u e um but in actual this
is spelled TW W some people will
pronounce it TW or you know kind of like
the best Bugs Bunny voice if you will
but it’s that there’s like one way to do
the lifestyle and often it’s their way
is how you do the lifestyle which we all
know it’s individualistic and what works
for you as long as it’s safer consensual
and everybody’s doing it with informed
consent wonderful rock
on and
yeah so we we gatekeep around that
and another place where there’s
gatekeeping
and I guess we’ll put this into one of
Edward’s pet peeves and this is groups
and it’s especially true with groups
online and I’m not saying that all
online discussion groups are like this
because they’re not
however experience shows that many are
we all like to hear
here how awesome we are and how our
opinions are correct and right and no
one really likes to be challenged let’s
face it it’s not so fun when somebody
says hey I disagree with you especially
online
because typically online when somebody
says they
disagree they don’t do so from the place
of
politeness and here’s why I disagree
because blah blah blah and even if it’s
even if it there’s there’s no typically
shouldn’t say there’s no typically
online civil disagreement is a rarity
when it’s easier to say I disagree and
then they respond like a twatwaffle and
tell you what an awful individual you
are because your opinion doesn’t align
with theirs so in a lot of online
discussion groups about the lifestyle
there’s gatekeeping because they like to
keep everybody on the same page rather
than have differing viewpoints openly
discussed even if their viewpoints that
for for example the majority of a group
might not agree with and the other thing
that sadly happens many times with
online discussion groups in the
lifestyle and also just you know vanilla
online group discussions is there will
be a dominant or leader of the
discussion group and they will want all
the voices to sing their praise and sing
the same song and if you don’t then
the then the shaming begins and it’s
really sad but it does happen so we need
to be careful when we engage with online
discussion groups especially in the
lifestyle that we are choosing to
associate with groups that allow
for differing opinions that don’t shame
when you when you disagree or heaven
forbid somebody says that they practice
rack rather than S you know rather than
the safe say consensual that you know if
you have a person in the group that
that’s a practitioner of rack that they
don’t get you know kind of publicly put
on the oldfashioned medieval torture
thing the rack by shaming
them that just it’s it’s a civil
discourse and civil discourse is
encouraged so we have to be careful
about all of that that negative
gatekeeping that happens around the
lifestyle and the first thing we have to
be careful of when we see gatekeeping or
that we need to really be aware of is
when we see gatekeeping we have to
recognize and acknowledge that
unfortunately it is an issue in the
lifestyle and the reason that it’s an
issue is that it can keep people great
people amazing people from coming to the
lifestyle so yes it it’s not
a perhaps as urgent of a issue to be
aware of as our own
safety but it’s an issue that can impact
the growth of the community so it’s
important to recognize that we do have
this issue in the lifestyle and when we
see it understand that first of all it
may be inadvertent the person may not
realize that they are they’re putting up
Gates or appearing to put up Gates they
may not realize what they said was
interpreted the way it was interpreted
so it’s important to approach somebody
who you suspect might be doing a little
gatekeeping and and be kind about it and
explain why the behavior is problematic
and why you were seeing what they’re
saying as potential gatekeeping and also
when we’re looking for groups of people
to socialize with in the lifestyle
especially online is look for groups
that are diverse look for groups that
have
varying varying opinions rather than
just singing to acquire and if you’re
not sure whether the group that you are
kind of feeling out is
diverse share a contrarian opinion and
see what happens is it accepted even if
you’re not vested in that opinion or you
don’t agree with it perhaps yourself but
you know putting it out there will be
contrarian see how the group responds
and that’ll tell you a lot about about
the group um a great thing is many
people in the lifestyle especially
online are going to practice safe sane
and consensual as their means of staying
safe during lifestyle play so
if you are you know wanting to kind of
stir the pot see how see how a group
handles a different
opinion talk about being somebody that
practices risk aware consensual Kink rck
and if what I just said about safe sing
consensual in
Iraq um doesn’t kind of ring a bell and
you’re new and these terms are new um
scroll back through a few podcasts and
you’ll find an episode called when it’s
good to be a prick um it would be a
great great listen and help explain some
of the um the methods that that we have
in the lifestyle to encourage and keep
everyone safe um so it’s important that
we work together to keep the community
the community better to be positive and
to really ensure a more more equal
access for everyone rather than rather
than gatekeeping and to be welcoming in
it’s something that we all individually
need to practice to keep the
lifestyle alive in doing well rather
than keeping keeping people away because
they may not be perhaps as intense about
the LIF style or involved in a different
way than you are it doesn’t make it
wrong it just means that they practice
it differently and we still need to
still need to welcome them to the
lifestyle and the more people we welcome
the the more people that can learn about
the lifestyle and the more we teach the
lifestyle the safer the lifestyle will
be and the safer the lifestyle it’ll be
the well safety is safety is Paramount
really where we need to gatekeep is we
need to be our own gatekeeper because
within the lifestyle the only person
that can keep you safe is Yourself by
trying to make good safe choices boy I
sound like a parent make good choices
funny I’m not a parent
uh was a dog dad but that is the extent
of my parenting experience so yeah but
anyway the gatekeeping needs to be
reserved for ourselves and how we
associate with others and the choices we
make to stay safer in the lifestyle but
we also need to work to mitigate the
crapola gatekeeping that is out there
that centers around things that don’t
really matter and be welcoming to
everyone who is curious about learning
about the lifestyle so on that note
let’s unlock the door and open the
floodgates up and welcome everybody who
walks through the gates um I don’t think
it’ll necessarily be a flood of new
people but there definitely will be a
continued stream of of new voices coming
to the lifestyle and and we need to
welcome them rather than try and turn
them away for um a bunch of craptastic
reasoning so on that note I want to wish
everyone a fabulous week and if you are
in the United States I hope that you had
a good holiday weekend and that your
Monday on Tuesday went well and your
short week is fabulous and short and not
stressful because you missed a day of
work and no matter where you listen
please don’t forget to click the follow
button so you never miss an episode and
we will be back to chat more next week I
look forward to chatting with you then
[Music]

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rick moranis ghostbusters [vid_tags] #S.2 #Episode #TwentyEight #Gatekeeper